God has been doing a lot of work in my heart lately. When we came back from India (about a year ago now), I was really struggling with the question of why. Why are we back here? Why couldn't we stay? God, why didn't you provide for our financial needs? You are big enough, so why?! A year into that question, I wonder if I have His answer: Nicole, you've got some serious stuff to deal with.
When we visited my cousins Jason and Christine in Hong Kong, the Holy Spirit gave Jason a word for us - "don't settle for the status quo." The next day we got the call that nearly changed our situation to allow us to stay in India, so I naturally felt confused about the intent of that message. Now, I feel very certain that the Lord didn't give us that word to convince us to stay in India. He gave us that word for RIGHT NOW. How are we called to live life differently in America? How do we need to change our priorities and actions so that we are radically and obediently sacrificing here, in the land of plenty, when it's absolutely normal to turn a blind eye to the needs of this world?
Enter - FEAR. There are moments in my life that (if I'm honest) I am completely petrified. And as far as I can tell, here's why...
Relationships have always felt like one of my basic needs. I can vacillate between an emotional high after a great conversation on the phone to an emotional low 2 hours later because I feel lonely. If I'm not in relationship with others I just lose it! In India it "just happened" - in Ames/Story City, it's NOT HAPPENING. Because it's been so hard to find those "comfort friends" that you can just BE with and hang with and do nothing and everything with, I've entered (or is it re-entered?!) a state of relational fear.
So how do India lessons and current fears connect? Hmmm...good question, thanks for asking!
I am SO afraid that if I choose to live radically here and now, I will lose the relationships that have begun to develop. Change is scary...conviction is scary...extremes are scary...if I open myself to that kind of a life, won't I automatically alienate myself from a whole group of people who can't just "jump in" as well? And if I alienate myself from a huge percentage of the few people that feel available to me...yep, doesn't look good in the relationship department!
Let's define: By "relationship" I DON'T mean people to hang out with on a Friday night, or saying "hey" and getting a weekly update at church on Sunday morning. I DO mean people that feel like they can and WILL walk into my house without knocking, people that will accept me and others for exactly who they are, people that would call me up when they only have a few veggies in the fridge to see if I want to share supper tonight. I DON'T mean feeling like we're part of the "in" group or always getting called for the big group events. I DO mean friends that will pray for us in our struggles, that will choose to love us when we're unlovable, that are people oriented instead of task oriented, that would give until it hurts because that's what family does.
There are plenty of the "don'ts". Not many of the "dos".
But here's the deal. I'M not being that kind of friend. I feel so afraid that my friendship won't be received that I find myself slinking into the model I see and know - perch behind closed doors until someone else reaches out first....and retreat as soon as possible so you don't get hurt.
Chris has been reading a lot about the drought in Somalia. We have been working to live out the conviction that God gave us while we were in India - "if you see a need and you can, fill it." I feel so able to giving of my money and time and possessions, because I know they'll be received. However, something really struck me tonight as we were watching an interview between CNN and Bono about the Somalian drought. Bono said "it's not your intentions, it's your actions." And here's what I realized.
It took India to convict and equip me to give of my resources (time, money, possessions) freely, without expectation of return.
It's taking post-India America to convict and equip me to give of myself freely, without expectation of return.
Just guessing, but I think this might be a long journey...
When we visited my cousins Jason and Christine in Hong Kong, the Holy Spirit gave Jason a word for us - "don't settle for the status quo." The next day we got the call that nearly changed our situation to allow us to stay in India, so I naturally felt confused about the intent of that message. Now, I feel very certain that the Lord didn't give us that word to convince us to stay in India. He gave us that word for RIGHT NOW. How are we called to live life differently in America? How do we need to change our priorities and actions so that we are radically and obediently sacrificing here, in the land of plenty, when it's absolutely normal to turn a blind eye to the needs of this world?
Enter - FEAR. There are moments in my life that (if I'm honest) I am completely petrified. And as far as I can tell, here's why...
Relationships have always felt like one of my basic needs. I can vacillate between an emotional high after a great conversation on the phone to an emotional low 2 hours later because I feel lonely. If I'm not in relationship with others I just lose it! In India it "just happened" - in Ames/Story City, it's NOT HAPPENING. Because it's been so hard to find those "comfort friends" that you can just BE with and hang with and do nothing and everything with, I've entered (or is it re-entered?!) a state of relational fear.
So how do India lessons and current fears connect? Hmmm...good question, thanks for asking!
I am SO afraid that if I choose to live radically here and now, I will lose the relationships that have begun to develop. Change is scary...conviction is scary...extremes are scary...if I open myself to that kind of a life, won't I automatically alienate myself from a whole group of people who can't just "jump in" as well? And if I alienate myself from a huge percentage of the few people that feel available to me...yep, doesn't look good in the relationship department!
Let's define: By "relationship" I DON'T mean people to hang out with on a Friday night, or saying "hey" and getting a weekly update at church on Sunday morning. I DO mean people that feel like they can and WILL walk into my house without knocking, people that will accept me and others for exactly who they are, people that would call me up when they only have a few veggies in the fridge to see if I want to share supper tonight. I DON'T mean feeling like we're part of the "in" group or always getting called for the big group events. I DO mean friends that will pray for us in our struggles, that will choose to love us when we're unlovable, that are people oriented instead of task oriented, that would give until it hurts because that's what family does.
There are plenty of the "don'ts". Not many of the "dos".
But here's the deal. I'M not being that kind of friend. I feel so afraid that my friendship won't be received that I find myself slinking into the model I see and know - perch behind closed doors until someone else reaches out first....and retreat as soon as possible so you don't get hurt.
Chris has been reading a lot about the drought in Somalia. We have been working to live out the conviction that God gave us while we were in India - "if you see a need and you can, fill it." I feel so able to giving of my money and time and possessions, because I know they'll be received. However, something really struck me tonight as we were watching an interview between CNN and Bono about the Somalian drought. Bono said "it's not your intentions, it's your actions." And here's what I realized.
It took India to convict and equip me to give of my resources (time, money, possessions) freely, without expectation of return.
It's taking post-India America to convict and equip me to give of myself freely, without expectation of return.
Just guessing, but I think this might be a long journey...
6 comments:
Love it... let's talk about this tomorrow/Monday! Love you!
Your post made me think of this book: http://www.amazon.com/What-Women-Fear-Walking-Transforms/dp/0805464298 Just came out last week. Might interest you:)
Wow, Nicole....what awesome insight God has taught you. Thank you for sharing it :)
I love your heart and raw honesty! I love to see too how you process your life, and how new circumstances keep refining who you are. This is the life of a person walking with Christ. Hard, difficult, aches - but worth it. And it changes you!
Love you friend, and wishing we lived closer. I could use more people like you in my life! :)
Hi, just sayin'. Come on in without knocking! And supper is always open to you two!
I love this- and I don't even know you! And I recently wrote a blog post similar to this :) I think, being rooted in Christ, we were meant to function relationally and without relationships we feel broken. I'm with you Nicole! Maybe we will meet someday :) BTW: I'm a friend of Rebekah (Hamby) Johnson's and also Rachel (Farley)'s thus found your blog through them :) Thanks for sharing!
Abbie
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