But I don't want to feel...

Things have been so crazy lately that I've been able to put off some much-needed processing.  I'm still not sure how I feel about leaving this crazy country we've called home this last year, but it is happening...today!  And there are still so many things that my heart hasn't resolved. 

One of the worst realities in India is the socially present (although officially illegal) caste system.  One of the most frustrating situations for me has been the intense differentiation between "staff" and "employees" at Woodstock.  In America we call it "white" and "blue" collar, and these distinctions are largely dependent on the amount of skill necessary to complete the task.  In India, however, people are still born into professions and it is extremely difficult - near impossible - to change one's economic situation.  In the music department there are nine staff and one employee...and the employee is treated very differently.  I worked really hard to befriend him and get to know his family, and we ended up becoming really good friends.  Shockingly though, I was ostracized because of that friendship.  It was extremely frustrating, and entirely unfair.

While we were traveling I would read newspapers in different hotels or on the trains.  Most shocking topic - Honor Killings.  My friend Kate shared this online article about one of these killings...but as shocking as it is to read about, it's even more shocking to realize that these are common events.  I read about three different honor killings in just 2 weeks of travel.

A situation that happened just yesterday: I was cleaning in the kitchen and a man came to the door.  He couldn't speak any English, but I gathered that he was from Thatyur (a town nearby), and had recently traveled to Mussoorie to sell some fruits and vegetables.  We played a quick game of charades outside our door, and he shared that he had two small girls, and one had just been involved in an accident that hurt her arm.  He asked for money and food, and as I brought some things out to him he lifted his hands up to the sky in "praise", then lowered himself to the ground in a bow and touched my feet, calling me 'mem-sahib' (translated "female master").  I was horrified (I quickly encouraged him to get up!) and surprised at this very physical example that the ruler/servant mentality is still alive and well in India.

Along the same lines, I've been feeling confused and convicted about my mindset towards "the poor."  During the crazy time in January/February when we thought we were maybe being asked to stay here, God really showed me how unwilling I am to give up 'what I want'.  A while after that I started watching the 'Radical Sermon Series'.  The pastor talks about Jesus' commands to "give everything you have to the poor and follow me."  The pastor didn't say it was absolutely necessary to do that in order to follow Jesus...but he also didn't say that it WASN'T, and that was the biggest part.  We so often dismiss Jesus' most radical statements as only being relevant to that situation or that time, but are they?  Chris and I started noticing that whenever someone asked us for money, our first reaction was to say no and walk away.  WHY!?

After we noticed this gut reaction, we decided to always give when someone asked.  And then someone asked...and we gut reacted, said no and walked away.  And a second time, and a third time.  As we walked away we realized that we had done it again, said we were so stupid, and kept going.  And every time it happened, I thought, I'm walking away from Jesus right now.  

Over Christmas we stayed with my cousins Jason and Christine for a couple of weeks, and had some really great talks/processing moments with them.  One of the things I remember Christine saying is that it isn't our responsibility what people do with the love we give, but it is our responsibility to love them.  After we give Jesus' love, it's in His hands.

I've been noticing a lot of the lies I've been believing in this subject.  I tell myself, "they might use it for drugs" or "they might be working for a beggar boss" or "people in India are always so pushy, maybe they don't really need it" or "I'll just give them food, 'cause if they're hungry that's what they need anyway, right?".  But then I realize that I would never ask for money or food, both because of the humiliation and simply because I've never needed it that badly.  Doesn't that fact alone dismiss all the things I tell myself to make rejecting their request easier?!  They are at the point that they need it...which is something I've never experienced.  How can I just the people living a lifestyle I've never lived?

And so, I feel all over the place.  As we've been packing and getting rid of things, the poverty here has become much more evident.  People know we're leaving and so ask if we have anything for sale.  However, when we quote the price to them (which is usually about half of what we paid for it), they blanch and say they absolutely couldn't pay that much.  And so, we basically give it away.  And then I feel like I've just been taken advantage of.  Am I a sucker?  Is this what the Lord asks of us?  We're having money issues too...but they're nothing compared to everyone around us.  Is the problem in the comparison? 

Too many feelings that don't make enough sense.  And, it makes me just not want to feel anything.  Not the right reaction, but it's just how I feel. :)