We had a GREAT time. They took the house tour (which is still coming, I promise!), visited about life in general, went to Wal-Mart for some strawberry daiquiri's, and then just TALKED - for a long, long time. It was especially fun to see Chris and Eli's personalities join the mix, as we talked about family issues, personal feelings, our walks with the Lord, what Eli's learning about in his master's program, how Katie's doing at her job, and what Chris and I are going through as we transition and change. And, I NEEDED it.
To be honest, I've been in a funk. I like school, I've liked getting our house settled, I've been reading up on how to cook the best Thanksgiving Turkey - but I just feel confused, lifeless, down, blah. Tonight we talked about lots of things, and then Katie asked about our transition/culture shock - and I spilled it all.
The beauty about being with friends that you consider family is that you are 100% comfortable with them. I said exactly what I was feeling without thinking about how I "should" be feeling. And, as God so often does with beautiful heart friends, He shared something profound with me through Katie and Eli.
Tonight I re-read this paragraph that I wrote while we were in Hong Kong visiting my cousins...
While in Hong Kong, we also got to go to two church services with Jason and Christine. They both talked about God's heart for the world, and proposed that we must ALL have that same heart in if we desire to truly know Him. The pastor asked us to carefully consider whether or not we were willing to go to the world (financially, short-term missions, long-term missions, prayerfully, etc.), and if we were, to hold our hands out in offering. After considering how God could call us (after all, we're already in India...what more could we be called to?!), Chris and I both held out our hands in "willing" surrender.
The DAY AFTER that service we were faced with the possibility of staying long-term in India, and had a long, grueling struggle with the Lord that ended in us saying "yes", and then everything falling through at the last minute. Six months later we're back in the U.S. feeling confused, frustrated and lost.
Tonight we verbalized how hard that was for us. We had gotten to the point where we really wanted to stay - we wanted God to ask "everything" of us and we were ready to give it - but suddenly we were back in the U.S. And then Eli said it - THAT'S why. We wanted that to be our "sacrifice" - which suddenly makes it not much of a sacrifice. If I'm totally honest, the real sacrifice is to be here.
I LOVED India. I loved the differences, the new culture, the people, the language, the monkeys, the climate, everything. I loved being independent, figuring out how to function in new surroundings, being the minority. It was uncomfortable and challenging, and God's voice was clear. "Lord, how do I show your love?" "Simple! Love the Hindu helper in your building, give the homeless family food on your way past, befriend the Muslim tailor that sews your curtains."
In the U.S. things are comfortable. It's easy to become materialistic, to be complacent, to fall back into the routines that fill up our schedules and keep us from being effective. And when you're comfortable, God's voice becomes quieter...harder to hear...less distinct.
Honestly, it was easier to to live a God-influenced life in India. And yet, our own country is pleading for the true Savior. The U.S. is worshiping self-indulgence, tolerance, food, materialism, schedules, entertainment. When the "competition" takes the form of monkeys or blue men with dreadlocks, it's easy to identify them as false gods. When they come in wrapped packages with a 50% off sign - enter shades of gray.
And so - I'm realizing that for now THIS is the country that God is calling us to. THIS is the nation that God wants us in. THIS is my biggest sacrifice. Every day my heart longs to be overseas, where the needs are physical and obvious, where the gods are ugly and made of stone. However, THIS is the country that needs us right now.
So, here we are. And all I can ask is, "How Now Shall We Live?" Here lies my struggle...and I will wait, Lord, for Your answer.
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Things about the U.S. that are NOT a struggle for my heart :)
1. Hosting Thanksgiving for my family - and having a BEAUTIFUL day together, complete with sweet food, group naps, and lots of laughs.
2. Going wedding dress shopping with my baby sister.
3. Being able to "drop by" my parent's house after I'm done with work.
4. Calling Rachel and being able to spontaneous meet up in Ankeny for supper.
5. Seeing dear friends when they're home for the holidays.
2 comments:
Wow!! This is a solid post my darling.
I love your honesty. I love that you desire the best from yourself. I love your love for Jesus and so much more.
I have no doubt that you will/and are being used for the purpose that God has intended for you. I pray that he leads you in a direct way and continues to reveal things to you.
Your heart is amazing my dear sister and you inspire me.
I can totally understand why you would want to live overseas. America makes me sick, it really does. Although the freedom is we have is amazing, it's also a really binding and tough place to live.
So.. here is to not going along with it and being different. Here is to changing ourselves to be more like our Savior and doing what the world sees as foolishness.
Here is to being changed in a radical way by our Father in Heaven.
Love you always.
i love this. thanks for sharing your thoughts. so so good.
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