full of feelings

i've been full of feelings lately....here's my babble.

i miss my webster city kids. my freshmen babies just graduated this last weekend, and I couldn't be there. sometimes i get so sad i can't do anything else but just sit and be sad. did i make a mistake leaving? no...but i still feel really sad.

i feel sad and confused about leaving here. it's been a wonderful experience, and a year where we've been stretched and grown and experienced intense EVERYTHING...and i love intensity.

i feel sad about leaving the family we've made over here and the students i love so much.

i feel so excited about coming home. i can't wait to be with family and friends, to rekindle relationships that have had to take a back-burner this year.

i feel so scared about coming home. i'm different now - how will i fit in? will people understand us? will people want to understand us? where's our niche now? how will what we've learned change the way we live?

i feel scared about the future. i know GOD is challenging us in new and exciting ways, but sometimes that scares the crap out of me. i never wanted to become stagnant or complacent in my faith...but until this year that meant going to a women's retreat for a weekend or listening to a challenging sermon in the car on the way to work. this year, though, i've met a different GOD, and this God is big and demanding - all-loving and wonderfully compassionate - and frankly a bit scary.

i feel sick...physically sick - for almost five days now, and i'm sick of being sick. :)

i feel sad about the things we've missed being away this year. i know the experience has been worth it, but i'm still feeling the loss.

i feel inadequate for my job next year. i took an elementary music job because i desperately want experience in all areas of music, and this is a great job that got offered to me in my home town. no morning commitments, no night commitments - we might actually get to have a life outside of my job for once! but, i'm not passionate about elementary (yet). i'm not skilled in elementary (yet). and, i thought i was done feeling inadequate and unequipped! after all, i already had my first year of teaching...doesn't that mean you're done with the stretching?! :)

i feel worried about the future. chris doesn't have a job yet, we're moving in with my parents (which doesn't worry me, it just isn't a long-term plan), we have no cars and no money. hmm...

i feel so excited for my sister to be here. :) i feel excited to share this part of my life with her, to process with her and see how she reacts to things that i haven't been able to figure out how i'm reacting to. i feel excited to have someone that i know so well be in this crazy, strange, exotic place.

i feel confused about india. how can a place that is so rich with culture and history and tradition be filled with such pain and suffering? how can human lives be so driven by basic need? how can so many people be concerned with mere survival? and, now that i've seen it, what does that mean for my life?

i feel stuck. all these feelings are feelings that won't change for a while. we get home exactly 2 months from today. and, while those two months will be filled with great things, they aren't things that will change these feelings. i won't have started my new job, i won't be home yet, i won't get to hug my webster city kids, i won't know what the future holds for us. and unfortunately, patience is not one of the feelings i'm having in abundance.

i feel like i'm not myself. i've always loved the "different" and "exciting" and "abnormal", but lately i find myself longing for the familiar and comfortable. there are days when i'm not even looking forward to our summer travel plans because it means not being home longer.

thanks - i'm an external processor, and it helps to babble.