Change

It's been a really long time since I've really blogged...and even now I want to avoid it. :) BUT, I think it's time to process life with the world.

Chris and I have been experiencing some intense personal challenges the last month or so. Last December we told Woodstock that we would be leaving after this school year. Our house in the states hasn't sold or rented, and we've been covering the mortgage with savings. Our savings will soon run out, and since we receive a $700-a-month combined salary here, we have much more money going out than coming in (with student loans and mortgage combined). Therefore, we had to leave.

While we were visiting my cousins in Hong Kong, we interviewed with the school they work at and ended up getting a job offer. It is a WONDERFUL school, but there ended up being a lot of "personal red flags", and after discussion and prayer we decided to turn it down. Since this was the only other international school we were considering, we felt like this was an official confirmation that "Yes, you are supposed to go back to the U.S. next year." Fine with us...decision made! Or so we thought...

While in Hong Kong, we also got to go to two church services with Jason and Christine. They both talked about God's heart for the world, and proposed that we must ALL have that same heart in if we desire to truly know Him. The pastor asked us to carefully consider whether or not we were willing to go to the world (financially, short-term missions, long-term missions, prayerfully, etc.), and if we were, to hold our hands out in offering. After considering how God could call us (after all, we're already in India...what more could we be called to?!), Chris and I both held out our hands in "willing" surrender.

The next morning we got an e-mail from Woodstock's superintendent saying that he had found a donor in the United States who would like to pay our mortgage starting in April, therefore allowing us to continue our employment in India. Our reaction? "I'm not gonna stay and God can't make me!" It was really humbling to see how different our "safe-worship-service" response was from our "in-the-trenches" response.

I also read the book "The Dream Giver" during our time in Hong Kong. My mom raised us to set qualifiable, attainable, short-term goals...but to always dream BIG dreams. Therefore, I've been a practiced "dreamer" since I can remember. :) This book, though, talked about finding your Big Dream. It's that special thing that God has created YOU and ONLY YOU for. He has uniquely gifted and equipped each of us for a specific purpose...but unfortunately we often lose sight of that dream. Here's what the book proposes...

We get distracted by our Ordinary Friends, our Everyday Job, and the Picture Box that's waiting for us at home. We live happily in the Land of Comfort, and forget to question what we do and why we do it. Until, that is, the Dream Giver wakes us up to our dream...and then the challenges come.

Following your Big Dream necessitates that you leave the Land of Comfort. You must face the Border Bullies, face the Giants of Fear and Doubt, travel into unknown lands without much confirmation that you're going the right way. Your family will try to talk you out of it. People will consider you insane, and most Dreamers will turn back. But those that don't eventually find...their Big Dream.

I had thought for a long time that my Big Dream was teaching music. I was wrong. During our time in Hong Kong, God made it very clear that my Big Dream is to love the unloved ones. Since I was little I've been naturally drawn to people that need love. The people that sit alone at recess or beg on the street, or are socially awkward and need a supportive laugh. THAT'S my Big Dream...what I'm specifically skilled for...who I can most show love to. I will never be able to talk in front of groups or successfully lead companies or ministries, but I will be able to show love to people that need it. And I will be able to keep doing it, without getting burned out or annoyed or exhausted. The best part, though, is that this can happen no matter whether I teach high school or elementary school or stay at home with babies.

So, how does this all fit together??!

Since Hong Kong (it's been about a month now), it's been shocking to see how God has changed our hearts. He has been working to change the core of who we are, as we've struggled to answer some tough questions. He's asked, "Do you trust me to take care of your family?" "Do you trust me to take care of your finances?" "Do you trust me to provide for you emotionally?" We're not there yet, but we're miles closer.

It's also been struggle to put God first in our hearts. It sounds easy in theory, but it has been shockingly difficult. We have to care more about God's thoughts than our family's thoughts. What if God were to ask us to stay here forever? What if we never make more than $700 a month? What if something happens to our family when we're not there? These questions are heart-wrenching to ponder, and so very difficult to put to rest in the midst of God's promises.

As our hearts have changed, so have our convictions that God is specifically asking us to stay here in India. We have a peace about staying or going now...because we trust that God is big enough to watch over the people we love on BOTH sides of this big world. We have a peace about not making much money now...because God has shown His power over the resources of this world. We have a peace about disappointing and hurting our family's hearts...because He is a God who heals and fills hearts to overflowing.

Ultimately, though, we don't feel sure that God is asking us to stay here. He is, however, asking us to severely change our life habits. Stop accepting the status quo, stop accepting small dreams as "the dream", stop longing for the things of this world, stop limiting God's power in our lives. Right now we're not sure if that's going to happen in the United States or in India, but we feel VERY sure that God is continuing to call us to change, and that feels really good. :) Scary, but so good.