Monday, October 20, 2008

A Panic Attack: Why?

Tonight was our first choir concert of the year. Wow. I was a WRECK up until the very last chord of the last song, and then a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again. But what I can't figure out is, WHY?

My one choir refuses to really work during choir, so I thought the concert was going to be horrible. And I got after them and after them and after them...and they gave me nothing. But tonight, they bust out an amazing performance at the concert and I'm confused. Questions just running through my mind.

1. What do I REALLY want my students to learn? Performance skills, responsibility, work ethic, a passion for music?
2. When is it RIGHT to be angry?
3. How do I be angry without being hurtful or making it personal?
4. WHAT'S THE BALANCE?
5. How do I be a great teacher and be godly?

Let's face it...teaching is hard! Today I was an emotional wreck...the janitor said something to me and I broke down crying. A student stood up on a chair and I flipped out. My husband asked if I could get a video tape from school and I had a panic attack. Boys forgot to wear black dress shoes and I briefly (and insanely) considered cutting them from the program! WHY?! I've decided...I take the little things personally, and suddenly little things become not so little.

HOW do I care enough about my students to actually make a difference, without letting it control my life? Can there really be a separation between professional and personal? Can I be the teacher I WANT to be without making it personal? How do I involve myself personally, so I can affect them on a personal level, AND keep things professional, so they learn what I'm teaching? Why is this hard? How do I see Jesus in all this? How do I BE Jesus to these students?

I guess, it's just hard. I've prayed for wisdom more this year than ever, and I guess I'm just going to keep praying. But I guess, life is supposed to be hard...that's when we're challenged to figure out the "why" in life, huh?

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