3rd Quarter Goal Reflections...

It's that time to ask myself, "Self, how're you doing on your goals?!"   

 Goal 1 - Catch up on scrapbooking
      *I just need someone to shake me and say "this is what you're doing."  I still can't decide whether I really want to make the digital change - even though I KNOW it's the smart thing to do because of money and time.  GRR!!!
 
Goal 2 - Become active/involved at Cornerstone
     *DONE! PK Sunday School room, new small group, and tried out for the Cornerstone band last night. :)
 
Goal 3 - Get trained in foster care
     *DONE!
 
Goal 4 - Become conversational in Spanish
     *Not happening. :)

Goal 5 - Save up to buy a nice bike
     * DONE!


Goal 6 - Have a garden/do some canning
     *Plan is to have an inside herb garden instead.  That can count, right?!
 
Goal 7 - Work through my elementary curriculum
    *DONE!

Goal 8 - Level 1 Kodaly Certification
    *DONE!


Goal 9 - Finish a marathon
     *Re-evaluate - I've had some personal set-backs that have made me re-evaluate whether or not this is a good goal for me at all.  I might change the goal to a triathalon...thoughts?  I find that I get to about 12 miles for training and my body starts falling apart.  And since I like my body, I'd rather it not fall apart.  :)  But I do hate changing goals once they're made...

Goal 10 - $18,000 of student loans paid off, $4,000 in savings
     *Still working away and set to meet this goal by Christmas!

AND: the +1....
Goal 11 - Be more intentional with communication/interaction.
     *Going back to work has definitely decreased the amount of time I have at my disposal to communicate/interact with others.  I'm realizing that I need to be intentional with the people I come in contact with daily, and then choose a few to be intentional with otherwise.  I'd say I am improving...unquantifiable goals are hard to assess!

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Year Focus:

Bearing Fruit 

Jesus is changing me and making me bear fruit even when "I don't wanna!"  Who knew bearing fruit came with so many emotional break-downs!

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Extra Goal: Read 24 Books
    *Up to 18, working on #19, and have my last 5 books just waiting on the shelf!

FINAL REFLECTION: I feel great about the progress, but always hate realizing that some goals just aren't going to happen.  Oh well...I guess that's where I learn how to show myself grace!  Sometimes that's a hard lesson to learn!

A Full House

As of last Monday we've had a full house.  And by full house, I mean the Yahtzee kind - 2 of one kind and 3 of another.  2 adults and 3 kids!

I have never been so exhausted in my whole life.  This has been a WONDERFUL experience, and I've especially learned a lot about what parent's heart must be like....sacrificial giving without any expectation of something in return.  (from my last post, I'm wondering if this is my next lesson to really learn?!).  And while this has been about the best situation possible for what we're doing (I'm sorry if this doesn't all make sense, I can't really say more!), it's still been very hard.

After the last 2 weeks I feel VERY certain that both parents are not meant to work outside the home full time.  The family suffers, the house suffers, health suffers, relationships suffer, communication suffers, work suffers...nothing is done the way it should be done!  I guess it feels good to learn that lesson earlier rather than later.

I've also felt very blessed by some relationships we have right now.  We have felt so supported, so loved, so encouraged...in spite of my public breakdowns, people still hug me!

And that's that!  It looks like our temporary family will be moving on soon, but we've loved having them for this season and are praying for their next transition.

You know: the knee-shaking, heart-racing, tongue-drying kind of fear.

God has been doing a lot of work in my heart lately.  When we came back from India (about a year ago now), I was really struggling with the question of why.  Why are we back here?  Why couldn't we stay?  God, why didn't you provide for our financial needs?  You are big enough, so why?!  A year into that question, I wonder if I have His answer: Nicole, you've got some serious stuff to deal with. 

When we visited my cousins Jason and Christine in Hong Kong, the Holy Spirit gave Jason a word for us - "don't settle for the status quo."  The next day we got the call that nearly changed our situation to allow us to stay in India, so I naturally felt confused about the intent of that message.  Now, I feel very certain that the Lord didn't give us that word to convince us to stay in India.  He gave us that word for RIGHT NOW.  How are we called to live life differently in America?  How do we need to change our priorities and actions so that we are radically and obediently sacrificing here, in the land of plenty, when it's absolutely normal to turn a blind eye to the needs of this world? 

Enter - FEAR.  There are moments in my life that (if I'm honest) I am completely petrified.  And as far as I can tell, here's why...

Relationships have always felt like one of my basic needs.  I can vacillate between an emotional high after a great conversation on the phone to an emotional low 2 hours later because I feel lonely.  If I'm not in relationship with others I just lose it!  In India it "just happened" - in Ames/Story City, it's NOT HAPPENING.  Because it's been so hard to find those "comfort friends" that you can just BE with and hang with and do nothing and everything with, I've entered (or is it re-entered?!) a state of relational fear.

So how do India lessons and current fears connect?  Hmmm...good question, thanks for asking!

I am SO afraid that if I choose to live radically here and now, I will lose the relationships that have begun to develop.  Change is scary...conviction is scary...extremes are scary...if I open myself to that kind of a life, won't I automatically alienate myself from a whole group of people who can't just "jump in" as well?   And if I alienate myself from a huge percentage of the few people that feel available to me...yep, doesn't look good in the relationship department!

Let's define: By "relationship" I DON'T mean people to hang out with on a Friday night, or saying "hey" and getting a weekly update at church on Sunday morning.  I DO mean people that feel like they can and WILL walk into my house without knocking, people that will accept me and others for exactly who they are, people that would call me up when they only have a few veggies in the fridge to see if I want to share supper tonight.  I DON'T mean feeling like we're part of the "in" group or always getting called for the big group events.  I DO mean friends that will pray for us in our struggles, that will choose to love us when we're unlovable, that are people oriented instead of task oriented, that would give until it hurts because that's what family does.   

There are plenty of the "don'ts".  Not many of the "dos".

But here's the deal.  I'M not being that kind of friend.  I feel so afraid that my friendship won't be received that I find myself slinking into the model I see and know - perch behind closed doors until someone else reaches out first....and retreat as soon as possible so you don't get hurt. 

Chris has been reading a lot about the drought in Somalia.  We have been working to live out the conviction that God gave us while we were in India - "if you see a need and you can, fill it."  I feel so able to giving of my money and time and possessions, because I know they'll be received.  However, something really struck me tonight as we were watching an interview between CNN and Bono about the Somalian drought.  Bono said "it's not your intentions, it's your actions."  And here's what I realized.

It took India to convict and equip me to give of my resources (time, money, possessions) freely, without expectation of return. 

It's taking post-India America to convict and equip me to give of myself freely, without expectation of return.

Just guessing, but I think this might be a long journey...

It's Official...

We are OFFICIALLY licensed foster parents as of today!  Now we're just waiting for "the call"...duh-duh-duh!  There probably won't be more to come later, since we can't really talk about the kids we'll get, but I'll tell what I can.  :)

Happy September and Happy LONG WEEKEND!